So I'm watching the 10 o'clock news, listening really, as I'm cleaning up the kitchen. The teaser promises details about the tattoo artist to the stars: Britney, JT, Tim McGraw.
I think JT is James Taylor.
Right. And Taylor is Elizabeth.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
The real reason those RNC operatives were at Voyeur . . .
Patron: Where are the explorers in red caps, toting canoes?
Waitress: What do you mean sir?
Patron: Isn't this Voyageurs?
Waitress: What do you mean sir?
Patron: Isn't this Voyageurs?
Monday, March 29, 2010
The Straw that stirs the drink . . .
After the men's team, "Rock Solid" lost last night on Celebrity Apprentice, Darryl Strawberry volunteered to be fired, taking one for the team.
Apparently, Blagojevich gave him the "steal" sign.
Apparently, Blagojevich gave him the "steal" sign.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Little known details of Gilbert Arenas's sentence . . .
Washington Wizards point guard, Gilbert Arenas, is a very lucky guy.
Not only won't he be spending any time in jail, the Wizards have now confirmed they won't void his contract.
However, in addition to his 400 hours of community service, Gil will also be required to translate Crime and Punishment from the original Russian.
Any violations of probation and he'll also be translating War and Peace and The Brothers Karamazov.
Not only won't he be spending any time in jail, the Wizards have now confirmed they won't void his contract.
However, in addition to his 400 hours of community service, Gil will also be required to translate Crime and Punishment from the original Russian.
Any violations of probation and he'll also be translating War and Peace and The Brothers Karamazov.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Mr Brown is out of town . . .
. . . gotta be the real reason he hasn't responded to Rachel Maddow's request for an apology.
Seems Senator Scott Brown of Massachusetts thinks Rachel Maddow of MSNBC is going to challenge him for the US Senate in 2012.
Maddow says, "Honestly. I'm not." She asks Brown to apologize for spreading the untrue rumor.
Nothing from Brown.
Maybe he's a "mimbo."
I mean, he is a former centerfold model.
But don't think I think you can't be both a former centerfold model and able to write a letter.
Look at Pamela Anderson. She wrote a book . . .
. . . Oh, sorry . . . Still looking at Pamela Anderson . . . .
Seems Senator Scott Brown of Massachusetts thinks Rachel Maddow of MSNBC is going to challenge him for the US Senate in 2012.
Maddow says, "Honestly. I'm not." She asks Brown to apologize for spreading the untrue rumor.
Nothing from Brown.
Maybe he's a "mimbo."
I mean, he is a former centerfold model.
But don't think I think you can't be both a former centerfold model and able to write a letter.
Look at Pamela Anderson. She wrote a book . . .
. . . Oh, sorry . . . Still looking at Pamela Anderson . . . .
Joke? What joke?
Tune in later for more merry hijinks from HepCatIndstries!
In the meantime, read the old stuff. Some of it's pretty good. I particularly recommend:
March 11 and 12
March 16 and 17
And March 19 and 20.
You're sure to laugh at least once!
Thank you. Thank you very much.
And remember: If it's not funny, DON'T believe it!
In the meantime, read the old stuff. Some of it's pretty good. I particularly recommend:
March 11 and 12
March 16 and 17
And March 19 and 20.
You're sure to laugh at least once!
Thank you. Thank you very much.
And remember: If it's not funny, DON'T believe it!
Friday, March 26, 2010
Happy Holidays from the Tea Party!
I hear the "tea party" is already getting ready for the Christmas giving season: They're stocking up on fruitcakes.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Must've missed that one . . .
In the wake of the passage of the Health Care Reform Act, John McCain has said there will be no further cooperation with the Obama Administration.
Gee, you think Harry Reid accidentally deleted McCain's voice mail pledging full cooperation?
Now that would be a big f*@#ing deal . . .
Thank you. Thank you very much.
And remember: If it's not funny--don't believe it!
Gee, you think Harry Reid accidentally deleted McCain's voice mail pledging full cooperation?
Now that would be a big f*@#ing deal . . .
Thank you. Thank you very much.
And remember: If it's not funny--don't believe it!
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Two weeks! Hurray!
Not that I have any material today. And my conservative friends are lambasting me for daring to express an opinion they found unpopular. One even accused me of being condescending.
Like I'm George Will all of a sudden.
Hey, it's comedy. Somebody's bound to get hurt. Change the channel if you don't like the programming.
Reading The Comedy Bible by Judy Carter and Gene Perret's Comedy Writing Workbook in an effort to stockpile material.
Not working yet.
Republicans are predictably outraged that Democrats are having any legislative success. Some of their supporters are even threatening members of Congress.
Can't they just vote?
Hmmm. Not...funny...today...must...practice....
Like I'm George Will all of a sudden.
Hey, it's comedy. Somebody's bound to get hurt. Change the channel if you don't like the programming.
Reading The Comedy Bible by Judy Carter and Gene Perret's Comedy Writing Workbook in an effort to stockpile material.
Not working yet.
Republicans are predictably outraged that Democrats are having any legislative success. Some of their supporters are even threatening members of Congress.
Can't they just vote?
Hmmm. Not...funny...today...must...practice....
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Watching Justin Bieber on Dave . . .
. . . the hair, the jacket . . . Reminds me of a young John Lennon.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Not that there's anything wrong with that . . .
I'm not gay, but I like gay men.
They're so approachable.
Thank you. thank you very much.
And remember, as always: If it's not funny, don't believe it.
http://www.cafepress.com/hepcatindstries
They're so approachable.
Thank you. thank you very much.
And remember, as always: If it's not funny, don't believe it.
http://www.cafepress.com/hepcatindstries
Sunday, March 21, 2010
More classic sketch comedy!
The scene: Bethesda courthouse. Not sure why it wasn't in Rockville, but it wasn't. Must've been at the police station.
Judge was there though.
The back story: On a nice day in April, 1976, I was racing to the U of Maryland to be on time for my English 202 Intro to World Literature, Post-Renaissance, class at 10 am.
Still early after all these years.
Not so much lately.
But as a not-yet-nineteen year old? What are you, kidding?
So I take the cut-through left onto Nairn Drive, this side of Wheaton Library, in order to miss the light at Arcola and Georgia. Always traffic on Georgia.
So, I'm moving, 40 in a 25, just past the library, over the hump and into the valley of Nairn, to the corner, where you can access the park, and BANG! Cop.
Motions me over. Asks for license and registration. Tells me to wait.
Returns. Asks, "Did you know you were going 40 mph in a 25 mph zone?"
"No sir. I'm sorry. I'm running late for school."
"Well, I'm going to have to write you a ticket nevertheless. Slow down."
Fast forward two months:
Me, in front of the judge, after the cop has confirmed: "He did say he was running late for school, your Honor."
Judge, to me: "In light of your guilty plea, what are you doing here today?"
Me, to judge: "Well, your Honor, I've heard that if you go to traffic school you can avoid a fine, and even more importantly, avoid points on your license."
Judge: "Do you honestly believe that traffic school will do you any good?"
Me: "If they show movies like Wheels of Tragedy and Mechanized Death, you bet it will!"
Many in courtroom, including judge, laugh.
Judge: "All right then, Mr Hepner, since this is your first offense, I'll waive the fine, and sentence you to traffic school. Slow down."
Judge was there though.
The back story: On a nice day in April, 1976, I was racing to the U of Maryland to be on time for my English 202 Intro to World Literature, Post-Renaissance, class at 10 am.
Still early after all these years.
Not so much lately.
But as a not-yet-nineteen year old? What are you, kidding?
So I take the cut-through left onto Nairn Drive, this side of Wheaton Library, in order to miss the light at Arcola and Georgia. Always traffic on Georgia.
So, I'm moving, 40 in a 25, just past the library, over the hump and into the valley of Nairn, to the corner, where you can access the park, and BANG! Cop.
Motions me over. Asks for license and registration. Tells me to wait.
Returns. Asks, "Did you know you were going 40 mph in a 25 mph zone?"
"No sir. I'm sorry. I'm running late for school."
"Well, I'm going to have to write you a ticket nevertheless. Slow down."
Fast forward two months:
Me, in front of the judge, after the cop has confirmed: "He did say he was running late for school, your Honor."
Judge, to me: "In light of your guilty plea, what are you doing here today?"
Me, to judge: "Well, your Honor, I've heard that if you go to traffic school you can avoid a fine, and even more importantly, avoid points on your license."
Judge: "Do you honestly believe that traffic school will do you any good?"
Me: "If they show movies like Wheels of Tragedy and Mechanized Death, you bet it will!"
Many in courtroom, including judge, laugh.
Judge: "All right then, Mr Hepner, since this is your first offense, I'll waive the fine, and sentence you to traffic school. Slow down."
Friday, March 19, 2010
Thank God for the Archives...
...You'd think I was Neil Young...Except it took me, what? A week and a half to get to 'em?
Oh, Well (Pts. I & II) ...
These next couple got my picture on the back page of the University of Maryland, Diamondback, March 2, 1988.
Still some of my best.
Brought to you by HepCat Indstries, makers of the HepCat Bar: Rich milk chocolate and creamy nougat surround a smoked-fish filling.
Try 'em melted in the sun!
My sex life is so bad . . . I have to have it prescribed.
Hmmm. What does it say her?
Once in the morning, once at night.
May cause drowsiness.
Wait 15 minutes before putting on pants.
Oh, Well (Pts. I & II) ...
These next couple got my picture on the back page of the University of Maryland, Diamondback, March 2, 1988.
Still some of my best.
Brought to you by HepCat Indstries, makers of the HepCat Bar: Rich milk chocolate and creamy nougat surround a smoked-fish filling.
Try 'em melted in the sun!
My sex life is so bad . . . I have to have it prescribed.
Hmmm. What does it say her?
Once in the morning, once at night.
May cause drowsiness.
Wait 15 minutes before putting on pants.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Local Good Humor...
So I was out the other day, and the question arose: --Had an order been faxed?
--No, apparently it hadn't.
--Do you have the number? I asked.
--240.555.1212?
--Yes. That's it. But it's not here?
--No. Maybe you said 301.555.1212.
--I would say 301. I'm from Maryland!
Three of four women listening laughed.
3 of 4 women. I'll take that ratio anyday.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
If it's not funny, don't believe it.
http://www.cafepress.com/hepcatindstries.
--No, apparently it hadn't.
--Do you have the number? I asked.
--240.555.1212?
--Yes. That's it. But it's not here?
--No. Maybe you said 301.555.1212.
--I would say 301. I'm from Maryland!
Three of four women listening laughed.
3 of 4 women. I'll take that ratio anyday.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
If it's not funny, don't believe it.
http://www.cafepress.com/hepcatindstries.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Happy 84th, Dad!
Today my dad would have been 84.
Like the lumber company.
Like the town near Pittsburgh.
Dad never liked to listen much. To me anyway.
Later he would claim he was still tuning out his mother.
I mean we had the same birthday, but still.
I just needed a score on Eagles-Dolphins.
Like the lumber company.
Like the town near Pittsburgh.
Dad never liked to listen much. To me anyway.
Later he would claim he was still tuning out his mother.
I mean we had the same birthday, but still.
I just needed a score on Eagles-Dolphins.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
My first greatest joke...
...not my first, my first greatest.
Looking to improve, 'cause
A) It's always about team,
and
B) There's always better.
Drum roll please . . . . . . . .
You know, of all the people I know, my mother has to have the worst sense of humor.
And don't think I don't like my mother.
I don't. But don't think that!
Thank you. Thank you very much.
If it's not funny: Don't believe it!
http://www.cafepress.com/hepcatindstries.
Looking to improve, 'cause
A) It's always about team,
and
B) There's always better.
Drum roll please . . . . . . . .
You know, of all the people I know, my mother has to have the worst sense of humor.
And don't think I don't like my mother.
I don't. But don't think that!
Thank you. Thank you very much.
If it's not funny: Don't believe it!
http://www.cafepress.com/hepcatindstries.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Thomas Jefferson rolls again!
The Texas Board of Education voted 10 to 5 to on straight party lines to make some curriculum changes.
Recently the Texas BOE has been spearheaded by conservatives who doubt Darwin’s theory of evolution and feel the writers of the Constitution were directed by Christian ideals. In fact, Board member Cynthia Dunbar even got Thomas Jefferson removed from a list of writers who helped spur revolution in the late 1800s and the 19th Century, while keeping St. Thomas Aquinas and John Calvin.
Which just goes to show, there may be separation of Church and State, but there's no separation between Church and Texas.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
And remember: If it's not funny, don't believe it.
Recently the Texas BOE has been spearheaded by conservatives who doubt Darwin’s theory of evolution and feel the writers of the Constitution were directed by Christian ideals. In fact, Board member Cynthia Dunbar even got Thomas Jefferson removed from a list of writers who helped spur revolution in the late 1800s and the 19th Century, while keeping St. Thomas Aquinas and John Calvin.
Which just goes to show, there may be separation of Church and State, but there's no separation between Church and Texas.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
And remember: If it's not funny, don't believe it.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
2 Minutes to Forget It . . .
NBC's new game show, Minute to Win It premieres tomorrow night.
We're not going to tell you what time, 'cause we don't want you to watch it.
It's not that it's a toxic brain suck.
It is. But that's not it.
It's not that faux-sexy event titles like "This Blows," "Keep It Up," and "Bite Me," are too sophomoric even for me.
It's that the show's two hour premiere cuts out arguably the most TV ready event : the speed reading.
Come on NBC! First the Conan-Jay debacle, now this?
People are going to talk.
We're not going to tell you what time, 'cause we don't want you to watch it.
It's not that it's a toxic brain suck.
It is. But that's not it.
It's not that faux-sexy event titles like "This Blows," "Keep It Up," and "Bite Me," are too sophomoric even for me.
It's that the show's two hour premiere cuts out arguably the most TV ready event : the speed reading.
Come on NBC! First the Conan-Jay debacle, now this?
People are going to talk.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Committing a monkey . . .
Oy, zuchen vey!
Publishing on Shabbos!
Oh, Well (Pts. I & II) . . .There's a Jewish chick in the joke.
Enjoy!
The Washington Post reports that Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg thinks states should give up the pracice of electing judges. Predictably, she insists they be judged on their merits--including, but not limited to--how hot they rock the Juicy Couture.
PS Follow HepCat Indstries on Twitter, @JHepCat72.
Go on! You can get there from here.
Hep
Publishing on Shabbos!
Oh, Well (Pts. I & II) . . .There's a Jewish chick in the joke.
Enjoy!
The Washington Post reports that Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg thinks states should give up the pracice of electing judges. Predictably, she insists they be judged on their merits--including, but not limited to--how hot they rock the Juicy Couture.
PS Follow HepCat Indstries on Twitter, @JHepCat72.
Go on! You can get there from here.
Hep
Thursday, March 11, 2010
At the eye doctor...
Or this:
One thing he's doing whole-assed: Starting every show when Leno comes on.
One thing he's doing whole-assed: Starting every show when Leno comes on.
Better still...
And speaking of Conan, he announced today his new "half-assed" tour. "Half-assed." His own words. One thing he's doing whole-assed: Timing each show to coincide with Leno on NBC.
Joke of the Day 03/11/10
And speaking of Conan, I got his tweet today announcing his "half-assed" tour. Conan's own words. One thing he's doing whole-assed: Starting every show at 11:30.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
And here's a re-write of yesterday's instant classic:
We hear Lindsay Lohan is suing E-Trade for their unauthorized use of her name. You know, as soon as that girl baby said, "Milkaholic" I thought: "Lohan!"
Extra special bonus!!!! Original of today's goof fest, Cause real writing is re-writing!
Are you listening, kids!?
And speaking of Conan, I got his tweet today announcing his "half-assed" tour. Conan's own words. One thing he's doing full-assed: Starting every show concurrent with local Tonight Show broadcasts.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
And here's a re-write of yesterday's instant classic:
We hear Lindsay Lohan is suing E-Trade for their unauthorized use of her name. You know, as soon as that girl baby said, "Milkaholic" I thought: "Lohan!"
Extra special bonus!!!! Original of today's goof fest, Cause real writing is re-writing!
Are you listening, kids!?
And speaking of Conan, I got his tweet today announcing his "half-assed" tour. Conan's own words. One thing he's doing full-assed: Starting every show concurrent with local Tonight Show broadcasts.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Joke of the Day...
...because I've always dreamed of writing for Saturday Night Live. Or Dave. Or Conan (PSST, Conan: We've got the Spofforth connection). Or Fallon.
HepCatIndstries hereby proclaims a new feature, which in all likelihood will peter out by next Tuesday, because, as good friend and near birthday brother, Steve Martin has averred for years:
"Comedy isn't pretty. "
And it's hard, too.
We hear Lindsay Lohan is suing E-Trade for their unauthorized use of her name. I gotta admit, as soon as that girl baby said, "Milkaholic" I knew it was Lohan.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
If it's not funny, don't believe it.
Hep
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