HepCat Indstries

Actual miles . . .

2010-04-10T13:42:00.001-07:00

So, gf and I are driving a borrowed truck in order to haul some junk to the dump.

Truck's a '91, but only has only logged 93, 300 miles.

But there is a 100,000s space on the odometer.

So I say, "You think maybe it's really 1, 000, 093, 300? It's in pretty good shape."

More Republican hijinks!

2010-04-09T00:28:00.000-07:00

Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell yesterday declared April "Secession Days," in celebration of next year's 150th Anniversary of the Civil War.

In deference to the result of that war, McDonnell also issued a proclamation changing the state's motto from "Virginia is for Lovers" to "Virginia is for Losers."

Rick Van Winkle . . .

2010-04-06T21:03:00.000-07:00

'Scuse me. Musta dozed off . . .

Reminder: This blog is brought to you by HepCat Indstries, parent company of HepOCo Petroleum Processors.

HepOCo: Because you're gonna buy gas from somebody.

Relationships are weird...I mean, you go a year and a half without one--well, maybe you don't--not a prospect in sight, and then WHAM-O! It's prospects for miles. Five different women saying, "Call me!" And meaning it. If you know what I mean . . .

Of course, now I'm in a relationship. Which is weird, because we met on facebook. Well, that's not weird anymore.

What's funny is that this time there weren't five others clamoring for my time.

What, they're not on facebook?

Must have been the five previous girlfriends telling five others, who then told five more, etc.

That, or I'm just plain prospected out.

Thank God the current gf likes me. At least, I think she's more than a facebook friend.

Relationships . . .

2010-04-02T19:17:00.000-07:00

Relationships are hard.

I mean, we all want that specific difference.

But after that, wouldn't it be nice if the other person would just get with the program?

I think so. These days, when my girlfriend and I make love, I have her wear the "Me" mask I made her.

It's a real win-win.

Skewing Early Bird . . .

2010-03-31T19:58:00.000-07:00

So I'm watching the 10 o'clock news, listening really, as I'm cleaning up the kitchen. The teaser promises details about the tattoo artist to the stars: Britney, JT, Tim McGraw.

I think JT is James Taylor.

Right. And Taylor is Elizabeth.

The real reason those RNC operatives were at Voyeur . . .

2010-03-31T02:42:00.000-07:00

Patron: Where are the explorers in red caps, toting canoes?

Waitress: What do you mean sir?

Patron: Isn't this Voyageurs?

The Straw that stirs the drink . . .

2010-03-29T23:33:00.000-07:00

After the men's team, "Rock Solid" lost last night on Celebrity Apprentice, Darryl Strawberry volunteered to be fired, taking one for the team.

Apparently, Blagojevich gave him the "steal" sign.

Little known details of Gilbert Arenas's sentence . . .

2010-03-28T20:31:00.000-07:00

Washington Wizards point guard, Gilbert Arenas, is a very lucky guy.

Not only won't he be spending any time in jail, the Wizards have now confirmed they won't void his contract.

However, in addition to his 400 hours of community service, Gil will also be required to translate Crime and Punishment from the original Russian.

Any violations of probation and he'll also be translating War and Peace and The Brothers Karamazov.

Mr Brown is out of town . . .

2010-03-27T20:56:00.000-07:00

. . . gotta be the real reason he hasn't responded to Rachel Maddow's request for an apology.

Seems Senator Scott Brown of Massachusetts thinks Rachel Maddow of MSNBC is going to challenge him for the US Senate in 2012.

Maddow says, "Honestly. I'm not." She asks Brown to apologize for spreading the untrue rumor.

Nothing from Brown.

Maybe he's a "mimbo."

I mean, he is a former centerfold model.

But don't think I think you can't be both a former centerfold model and able to write a letter.

Look at Pamela Anderson. She wrote a book . . .

. . . Oh, sorry . . . Still looking at Pamela Anderson . . . .

Joke? What joke?

2010-03-27T13:43:00.000-07:00

Tune in later for more merry hijinks from HepCatIndstries!

In the meantime, read the old stuff. Some of it's pretty good. I particularly recommend:

March 11 and 12
March 16 and 17
And March 19 and 20.

You're sure to laugh at least once!

Thank you. Thank you very much.

And remember: If it's not funny, DON'T believe it!

Happy Holidays from the Tea Party!

2010-03-26T18:44:00.000-07:00

I hear the "tea party" is already getting ready for the Christmas giving season: They're stocking up on fruitcakes.

Must've missed that one . . .

2010-03-25T20:21:00.001-07:00

In the wake of the passage of the Health Care Reform Act, John McCain has said there will be no further cooperation with the Obama Administration.

Gee, you think Harry Reid accidentally deleted McCain's voice mail pledging full cooperation?

Now that would be a big f*@#ing deal . . .

Thank you. Thank you very much.

And remember: If it's not funny--don't believe it!

Two weeks! Hurray!

2010-03-24T23:43:00.000-07:00

Not that I have any material today. And my conservative friends are lambasting me for daring to express an opinion they found unpopular. One even accused me of being condescending.

Like I'm George Will all of a sudden.

Hey, it's comedy. Somebody's bound to get hurt. Change the channel if you don't like the programming.

Reading The Comedy Bible by Judy Carter and Gene Perret's Comedy Writing Workbook in an effort to stockpile material.

Not working yet.

Republicans are predictably outraged that Democrats are having any legislative success. Some of their supporters are even threatening members of Congress.

Can't they just vote?

Hmmm. Not...funny...today...must...practice....

Watching Justin Bieber on Dave . . .

2010-03-23T21:34:00.001-07:00

. . . the hair, the jacket . . . Reminds me of a young John Lennon.

Not that there's anything wrong with that . . .

2010-03-22T20:49:00.000-07:00

I'm not gay, but I like gay men.

They're so approachable.

Thank you. thank you very much.

And remember, as always: If it's not funny, don't believe it.

http://www.cafepress.com/hepcatindstries

More classic sketch comedy!

2010-03-21T20:49:00.000-07:00

The scene: Bethesda courthouse. Not sure why it wasn't in Rockville, but it wasn't. Must've been at the police station.

Judge was there though.

The back story: On a nice day in April, 1976, I was racing to the U of Maryland to be on time for my English 202 Intro to World Literature, Post-Renaissance, class at 10 am.

Still early after all these years.

Not so much lately.

But as a not-yet-nineteen year old? What are you, kidding?

So I take the cut-through left onto Nairn Drive, this side of Wheaton Library, in order to miss the light at Arcola and Georgia. Always traffic on Georgia.

So, I'm moving, 40 in a 25, just past the library, over the hump and into the valley of Nairn, to the corner, where you can access the park, and BANG! Cop.

Motions me over. Asks for license and registration. Tells me to wait.

Returns. Asks, "Did you know you were going 40 mph in a 25 mph zone?"

"No sir. I'm sorry. I'm running late for school."

"Well, I'm going to have to write you a ticket nevertheless. Slow down."

Fast forward two months:

Me, in front of the judge, after the cop has confirmed: "He did say he was running late for school, your Honor."

Judge, to me: "In light of your guilty plea, what are you doing here today?"

Me, to judge: "Well, your Honor, I've heard that if you go to traffic school you can avoid a fine, and even more importantly, avoid points on your license."

Judge: "Do you honestly believe that traffic school will do you any good?"

Me: "If they show movies like Wheels of Tragedy and Mechanized Death, you bet it will!"

Many in courtroom, including judge, laugh.

Judge: "All right then, Mr Hepner, since this is your first offense, I'll waive the fine, and sentence you to traffic school. Slow down."

My sex life is so bad. . .

2010-03-19T22:32:00.001-07:00

. . . I consider it a moral victory when the cat sleeps with me.

Thank God for the Archives...

2010-03-19T22:13:00.000-07:00

...You'd think I was Neil Young...Except it took me, what? A week and a half to get to 'em?

Oh, Well (Pts. I & II) ...

These next couple got my picture on the back page of the University of Maryland, Diamondback, March 2, 1988.

Still some of my best.

Brought to you by HepCat Indstries, makers of the HepCat Bar: Rich milk chocolate and creamy nougat surround a smoked-fish filling.

Try 'em melted in the sun!

My sex life is so bad . . . I have to have it prescribed.

Hmmm. What does it say her?

Once in the morning, once at night.

May cause drowsiness.

Wait 15 minutes before putting on pants.

Local Good Humor...

2010-03-18T20:51:00.000-07:00

So I was out the other day, and the question arose: --Had an order been faxed?

--No, apparently it hadn't.

--Do you have the number? I asked.

--240.555.1212?

--Yes. That's it. But it's not here?

--No. Maybe you said 301.555.1212.

--I would say 301. I'm from Maryland!

Three of four women listening laughed.

3 of 4 women. I'll take that ratio anyday.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

If it's not funny, don't believe it.

http://www.cafepress.com/hepcatindstries.

I'm an only child . . .

2010-03-17T13:14:00.000-07:00

. . . My brother and sister have both grown up.

Happy 84th, Dad!

2010-03-17T13:06:00.000-07:00

Today my dad would have been 84.

Like the lumber company.

Like the town near Pittsburgh.

Dad never liked to listen much. To me anyway.

Later he would claim he was still tuning out his mother.

I mean we had the same birthday, but still.

I just needed a score on Eagles-Dolphins.

My first greatest joke...

2010-03-16T12:13:00.000-07:00

...not my first, my first greatest.

Looking to improve, 'cause

A) It's always about team,

and

B) There's always better.

Drum roll please . . . . . . . .

You know, of all the people I know, my mother has to have the worst sense of humor.

And don't think I don't like my mother.

I don't. But don't think that!

Thank you. Thank you very much.

If it's not funny: Don't believe it!

http://www.cafepress.com/hepcatindstries.

Watching Celebrity Apprentice . . .

2010-03-14T19:11:00.000-07:00

...That Sharon Osbourne is one tough chick. Beat cancer, and one of only a handful of linguists who've mastered "Ozzy."

Thomas Jefferson rolls again!

2010-03-14T17:46:00.000-07:00

The Texas Board of Education voted 10 to 5 to on straight party lines to make some curriculum changes.

Recently the Texas BOE has been spearheaded by conservatives who doubt Darwin’s theory of evolution and feel the writers of the Constitution were directed by Christian ideals. In fact, Board member Cynthia Dunbar even got Thomas Jefferson removed from a list of writers who helped spur revolution in the late 1800s and the 19th Century, while keeping St. Thomas Aquinas and John Calvin.

Which just goes to show, there may be separation of Church and State, but there's no separation between Church and Texas.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

And remember: If it's not funny, don't believe it.

2 Minutes to Forget It . . .

2010-03-13T11:44:00.000-08:00

NBC's new game show, Minute to Win It premieres tomorrow night.

We're not going to tell you what time, 'cause we don't want you to watch it.

It's not that it's a toxic brain suck.

It is. But that's not it.

It's not that faux-sexy event titles like "This Blows," "Keep It Up," and "Bite Me," are too sophomoric even for me.

It's that the show's two hour premiere cuts out arguably the most TV ready event : the speed reading.

Come on NBC! First the Conan-Jay debacle, now this?

People are going to talk.

Committing a monkey . . .

2010-03-12T18:19:00.000-08:00

Oy, zuchen vey!

Publishing on Shabbos!

Oh, Well (Pts. I & II) . . .There's a Jewish chick in the joke.

Enjoy!

The Washington Post reports that Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg thinks states should give up the pracice of electing judges. Predictably, she insists they be judged on their merits--including, but not limited to--how hot they rock the Juicy Couture.

PS Follow HepCat Indstries on Twitter, @JHepCat72.

Go on! You can get there from here.

Hep

At the eye doctor...

2010-03-11T20:09:00.000-08:00

Or this:

One thing he's doing whole-assed: Starting every show when Leno comes on.

Better still...

2010-03-11T19:53:00.000-08:00

And speaking of Conan, he announced today his new "half-assed" tour. "Half-assed." His own words. One thing he's doing whole-assed: Timing each show to coincide with Leno on NBC.

Joke of the Day 03/11/10

2010-03-11T15:47:00.000-08:00

And speaking of Conan, I got his tweet today announcing his "half-assed" tour. Conan's own words. One thing he's doing whole-assed: Starting every show at 11:30.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

And here's a re-write of yesterday's instant classic:

We hear Lindsay Lohan is suing E-Trade for their unauthorized use of her name. You know, as soon as that girl baby said, "Milkaholic" I thought: "Lohan!"

Extra special bonus!!!! Original of today's goof fest, Cause real writing is re-writing!

Are you listening, kids!?

And speaking of Conan, I got his tweet today announcing his "half-assed" tour. Conan's own words. One thing he's doing full-assed: Starting every show concurrent with local Tonight Show broadcasts.

Joke of the Day...

2010-03-10T12:29:00.000-08:00

http://www.theispot.com/artist/stock/lbrooks/

...because I've always dreamed of writing for Saturday Night Live. Or Dave. Or Conan (PSST, Conan: We've got the Spofforth connection). Or Fallon.

HepCatIndstries hereby proclaims a new feature, which in all likelihood will peter out by next Tuesday, because, as good friend and near birthday brother, Steve Martin has averred for years:

"Comedy isn't pretty. "

And it's hard, too.

We hear Lindsay Lohan is suing E-Trade for their unauthorized use of her name. I gotta admit, as soon as that girl baby said, "Milkaholic" I knew it was Lohan.
Thank you. Thank you very much.

If it's not funny, don't believe it.

Hep

Presenting . . .

2010-01-31T21:37:00.000-08:00

. . . the latest offering from HepCatIndstries!

Hand drawn, hand designed, and signed by the artist!

What am I bid for this fine original, wearable work of art?

Want an original custom-made for you?

Let us know!

HepCatIndstries: It's a gift!

Seth@CriticalMass

2010-01-27T08:55:00.000-08:00

I'm no dispassionate reviewer.

I'm a fan.

Bought my first Godin book in '96, The Guerrilla Marketer's Handbook, co-written with the original Guerrilla Marketer, Jay Conrad Levinson.

These are only three sentences that show why you should buy Seth Godin's Linchpin:

1) "It's OK if i get fired because I'll have demonstrated my value to the marketplace. IF THE RULES ARE THE ONLY THING BETWEEN ME AND BECOMING INDISPENSABLE, I DON'T NEED THE RULES." (Emphasis mine.)

2) "Emotional labor changes the recipient, and we care about that. That's why emotional labor is so much more valuable than physical labor."

3) "Thinking About Your Choice: And it is a choice...to buy into the fear and the system, or to chart your own path and create value as you do. It's your job to figure how to chart the path, because charting the path is the point."

OK, OK. So these are three excerpts, not sentences.

My point is -- Seth Godin gets it, gets it, gets it.

In Linchpin, he gives it to you.

It's a gift.

Pick it up.

Take 1, aka A, B, C . . .

2010-01-19T12:31:00.000-08:00

Just joined 8Tracks. Here's my first mix. Dig. Digg.

Props to Mojgan Fay at somethinglemon.

Coming soon . . .

2009-12-02T23:26:00.000-08:00

. . . to a major college town near you: The HepCat Indstries One-Man Show:
Stand Up, Sit Down, or Get Out of the Way!

Sponsored by SofaKing:

It's not just funny, it's SofaKing funny!

Announcing . . . !

2009-12-01T20:26:00.000-08:00

HepCat Indstries is now offering hand-made, home-made, custom-made T-SHIRTS!

All designed, drawn and signed by JHepCat himself.

Try our season's greetings offerings: Merry ChristmasCat and Happy HanuCat.

Or order up what your spirit moves!

One-of-a-kind, $9.99. Low-cost, high-value, virtually priceless.

Contact this blog at JHepCat7257@yahoo.com for more information.

Or just leave a comment. We'll get right back to you.

Happy Holidays. Peace on Earth, Good Will to All.

HepCat Indstries Is Hiring!

2009-11-05T23:39:00.000-08:00

What do we pay?

Equity.

Join our team. Bring your ideas. Share your joy. Be a partner.

Let's profit together.

Remember: If it's not funny--Don't believe it!